Party Crashers

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.

She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.

Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

The He smiled and said

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"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".

Dear Dad

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.


Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.

Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.



At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:


PS:

Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.


I love you!

Your loving daughter,
Rosie

true love

I was walking around in a store. I saw a
Cashier hand this little boy his money back saying
"I'm sorry, but you don't have enough
money to buy this doll."

Then the little boy turned to the old woman
Next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have
Enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you
Don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for 5
Minutes while she went to look around. She left
Quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in
His hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him
Who he wished to give this doll to.

"It's the doll that my sister loved most and
Wanted so much for this Christmas. She was so sure that Santa
Claus would bring it to her."

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus will
Bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus
Can't bring it to her where she is now.

I have to Give the doll to my mommy so that
she can give it to My sister when she goes there."

His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My
Sister has gone to be with God.

Daddy says that
Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I
Thought that she could take the doll with her to
Give it to my sister.''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said:
"I Told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her
To wait until I come back from the mall."

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him
Where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy
To take my picture with her so she won't forget me."

"I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have
To leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be
With my little sister."

Then he looked again at the doll with sad
Eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to
The boy. "What if we checked again, just in case you
Do have enough money?''

"Ok" he said "I hope that I have enough."I
Added some of my money to his without him seeing and
We started to count it. There was enough for the
Doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: "Thank you God for
Giving me enough money!"

Then he looked at me and added "I asked
Yesterday before I slept for God to make sure I have
Enough money to buy this doll so that mommy can give
It to my sister. He heard me!''

"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a
White rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask
God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the
Doll and a white rose.''

"My mommy loves white roses."

A few minutes later, the old lady came again
And I left with my basket.

I finished my shopping in a totally
Different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy
Out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local newspaper article
2 days ago, which mentioned of a drunk man in a truck, who hit
A car, where there was one young lady and a little girl.

The little girl died right away, and the
Mother was left in a critical state. The family had

To decide whether to pull the plug on the
Life-assisting machine, because the young lady would
Not be able to recover from the coma.
Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the
Little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young
Lady had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch
Of white roses and I went to the funeral home where

The body of the young woman was exposed for people
To see and make last wishes before burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a
Beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of
The little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that
My life had been changed forever. The love that this
Little boy had for his mother and his sister is
Still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a Fraction of a second, a drunk
driver had taken all This away from him.

Mom Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.'

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. ''Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, What is your name?

Bob

And what is your question, Bob?

I have 3 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you president when al gore got more votes?

Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, Ok where were we?

Oh, that's right. Question time. Who has a question?

A different little boy raises his hand.

George points him out and asked him what is your name?

Steve

And what is your question Steve?

I have 4 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN?

Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?

Fourth, where is Bob?

anger management

Husband to wife: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

Moral

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents For a family story with a moral at the end of it, and To return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example First, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the Eggs broke."

The moral of the story is not to put all Your eggs in one basket..

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got Ten chicks."

"The moral of this story is not to count Your chickens before they're hatched .."

"Very good ," said the teacher again, very pleased with The response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad Told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of Them with the machine gun until she ran out of Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten With her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did Your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?"

The child said "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking..."

Words Of Wisdom

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm .

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane .

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos .

Some Important Laws

LAW OF QUEUE:If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

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LAW OF TELEPHONE : When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

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LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

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LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

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LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

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BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

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LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

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LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

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LAW OF BIOMECHANICS : The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

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THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

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LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold